Attachment Wounding
We’re born to connect as long as we live and we never stop needing connection.” Peter Lovenheim, The Attachment Effect, p xix
Most of us feel this in our core, even if we deny it most days — that something in how we connect to people doesn’t seem to work quite right or it’s glitchy.
What happens when our connection to others never got the chance to be built right?
We know that our earliest relationships shape a growing brain, and sometimes things get in the way of optimal growth.
Think of a plant without adequate sun — not optimal. For a child, "not optimal" can look like abuse, neglect, a parent's illness, or household disruptions like job loss and moving.
Where the disconnection happens
The key factor is whether the hardship created disconnection between a baby and their parent or main caregiver.
Dad is too always exhausted to coo and connect. Mom is too always drained from work, so she changes the diaper and moves on.
And the baby is left to manage their own feelings — with no programming to do so. Babies need caregivers, family, and friends to teach them this by mirroring (reflecting their emotions back to them) and co-regulating (coaching them through how to respond to distress).
Without that, a baby develops what's called insecure attachment — and it follows them into their relationships for life.
What attachment wounding can look like
Persistent worry that your partner or friend will leave you
Fear of being alone
Overwhelming emotions
Feeling little or nothing except anger and depression
Anxiety as your baseline state
Avoiding emotions altogether, and discomfort when others express theirs
A pattern of relationships you want to stop, but keep finding yourself back in
Not everyone experiences all of these, and their presence alone doesn't confirm insecure attachment. But a consistent, familiar pattern is worth paying attention to.
Growing something different
We work together toward earned secure attachment — reprogramming the brain's wiring through connection and relationship, setting the stage for confidence and rootedness to unfold.